The New Year--started a little late.

Have you ever boiled a tea pot until it was dry? I just did setting up this blogspot.

I am "on-call" and work is slow. I have a lot of time on my hands so I decided to create a blog. I have to admit that Briggie.blogspot.com was my inspiration--although I won't even try to compare my blog to his extremely clever sight. he is clever,clever.

I am just expressive, expressive. This will be a good conduit.

One thing I should be straightforward about is that I don't have a good digital camera like ol' Briggie does--or any digital camera for that matter. If anyone would like to donate one to the cause, feel free. I have a 35 mm manual camera but someone stepped on it (I hope it wasn't me!) and it doesn't work any more. So, as for now, I have to go without since I am a poor flight attendant on RESERVE.

Let's just get into it. I have a theme in my life: What makes life worth living? Here is an e-mail experpt I wrote to Derek the Best last September in response to a question about a mutual friend of ours:

"I don't know what happened to JBR as of a month ago because he murdered me and it takes a long time to recover from death. I always thought that i would kill myself since so many things make me want to do it but, no, JBR slit my throat with one little text message about three weeks ago. "But I will tell you what is happenening with him as far as I know {interject stuff that I know about him}. . .I met up with him in Oslo and then later in Stockholm. Stockholm was beautiful and it was nice to spend time with the murderer. did you know that most murders happen by people closest to you? They are the ones that can get in the best position to hurt you. I have been thinking of you, Derek, and wondering how you are doing. . .also, I really crave the latest update for Old 97's. I really crave a good concert, actually, since it's been awhile since I've been to one. I've been dating a guy who I fell for really hard at first. It seemed like a tree falling--happening and happening fast--except that the tree stopped in mid-air. I'm trying to discern if it just stopped or if it's just moving so slowly it just looks like it stopped. But he is a good, fun guy. Well, I guess he's even more than that. He just graduated from byu and is living back home in fresno while he applies for law schools. He's in Utah right now, as am I, and we are spending more time together. technically we are dating exclusively since we did have that talk but that can always change with another talk. . .I just have to see if the tree is still falling--and that's okay. it takes time. I just can't seem to get over my sudden and violent death, though. It's harder to do things when you are dead than when you are alive. . ."

Derek the best replied:
"I did go camping at Assateague Island in Maryland the weekend before the surgery and we went swimming under a full moon and returned to our campsite to find wild horses. We knew there were horses on the island but were surprised to find them sitting in the sand and gathered around our campfire. They were of course tamer than any tame horses I've ever seen. While we were distracted by the main herd, a few stragglers were going through my open car looking for food. I really hope the photo of the horse's head next to my steering wheel comes out .Maybe you can get some of those motion cameras and speed up the picture like when they show a skyscraper being built or an ant hill with all the ants scurrying around and use them to see if the tree is still falling. Then you can also use the footage for your rock video.Sorry, my charm is out of practice so the humor is not really coming through but that may not bother you too much, you being dead and all."
My Reply to Derek:
"your experience on that island sounded beautiful and full of the reasons why we live--so that we can experience things like wild horses in sand and campfires and swims under full moons. . you really did cheer me up. i have since talked to the murderer and he has resurrected me. so goes life sometimes. its good to be alive again.i am sorry about your surgery. .i havenæt been around much but would have tried to do something to cheer you up. i will actually be there in philadelphia this weekend and am wanting to go hear beck in camden saturday night. do you want to go? i believe there are still tickets. i have not yet bought mine. i am in oslo right now and enjoying the scenery. . ."

Later, after going to work in Hawaii, Derek asked if there was something there that made life worth living. I replied,

". . . Definately there was something in Hawaii that made life worth living. I went running up around Diamond Head--this big peak that peaks out over the ocean--kind of mountainous and cliffy with the beach and the ocean and the crashing waves below. It was a long run and was breathtaking. On the way back I stopped off and bought a smoothie that had only frozen fruit and soy milk in it. It was delicious. Then I lay out in the sun and felt the breeze and smelled the flowers and the salt and the , er, anyway, just all the smells of hawaii. I went to school there so when I go, i have flashbacks of when i was young and hopeful and in college."

Derek Replied:
"Hawaii sounds pretty nice. Now you'll be more relaxed when you associate with murderers and when you walk unsuspectingly into visiting teaching appointments in the lobby. Thanks for visiting and bearing with my drug-induced stupor. I don't think I said anything too offensive from my semi-comatose state. Try and have fun even if you are on call to speed up the Jersey Turnpike and ship overseas at a moment's notice

On December 19, I wrote my last e-mail to Derek:

"How was the Rhett Miller solo concert? I was helping unload two trailors and a truck full of my sister and borther in law's stuff. Needless to say, I didn't have much time to think about all the fun I was missing. I did look up at the sky once and it gave me a reason to live. This was in Pensacola Florida. The strange trees framed the sky and a low cloud blew over as I caught glimpses of bright stars. the moon was full and it wasnt raining any more. i said to Parley, my brother-in-law, This is the sky you will be living under. He looked up and said, yes. And then we continued to unload. It was just me and him, stephanie was at the motel with little olivia. we had driven all day and had very little sleep the night before. It was one of the most exhuasting things I have ever done. but it also gave me a reason to live because they really needed the help.

"My tendanitis held out okay even with all the unloading and driving. I still dont think i can snowboard on it and thats sad. We drove sunday morning from pensacola to New Orleans and saw the wreck of civilizatiion that hurrican katrina left behind. There were even cars still hovering over embankments. that was also sad. My sister found cheap tickets on continental and thought that the three hour drive was worth the 400 dollars she would save. I flew out on the same flight since they were connecting in Houston. I was heading for Baltimore after that, they were heading to salt lake city. I did not make my baltimore flight so i decided to continue to call in sick and stay in houston for a day or two. I have been spending time with three of my cutest: Ariana, Calin, and Weston. They are my brothers children and they live 20 minutes from the airport in Houston. Ariana is five and looks exactly like me. she is also a tremendous ballerina and i enjoyed a private ballet production of swan lake this morning in our pajamas.

"I am going to try to fly to salt lake city tonight. my mother has cancer and is trying to get an operation scheduled for just before christmas. I would like to be there for her. so forget working and flying back east. i'm heading right on over to utah early. I am spending a lot of time with family right now and it is worth the money I am losing from not working . . the end? yes, i think the end. let me know how the rhett miller show went. i really really wanted to go. did you meet any interesting girls at the cajun dinner"

Then noone heard from me except my roomate Melissa until January 4th when I arrived back here in ol' Philadelphia. I did spend some good family time and it did make my life worth living.

Why all the long e-mails exerpts? Well, 1. Because I wanted to catch my blog up on my most recent history and 2. they answer the question of what makes life worth living. It's true, so many things in this life make me want to kill myslef. Should I list a few? Long lines, terrorists who murder little children in russia, my lack of talent, fake people, Suicide bombers, divorce, Britney Spears, idiotic reporters, dumb rules for dating, Mormon culture, the list goes on. But so many things make me glad I am alive like a run around diamond head, wild horses on the beach, helping others, the perfect concert, falling trees, family.

My New Year's resolutions are: Continue to dream even though reality can be disheartening, work on chiselling my mind and my body, Love more, serve more, find a tree that will fall all the way, and look for all the experiences that make life worth living. As we walk on the roof of hell, there are flowers to gaze at--and thank God for them.

I guess since I used Derek the best as a frame for this particular blog, I will end with what he wrote in his Christmas card to me:

"You should really marry someone with a "sh" sounding last name because the (whatever the right word is for the phonetic version of alliteration) you have going on is too good to give up. Thanks for comforting me in my afflictions and for fun conversations after activities you were dragged to, you are very eloquent and funny, much like JBR. Good job at overcoming death and reconciling with the perpetrator. Thanks for not rubbing me the wrong way. Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year with good health for running on Hawaiian beaches, rocking out at concerts, and flying around Europe. may your tree fall at the right time in the right place with you in the forest to hear it.

Derek."